Or, why I’ll never be a professional chef.
If you’ve read pretty much any of my posts, you’ve probably noticed a theme: I screw up at least one thing per recipe. And if I screw up one thing, I’m probably going to screw up something else, too.
In that vein (and since I screwed up tonight’s recipe and ended up with a meal to be eaten around 10 pm), I present to you the top things you shouldn’t do while cooking.
10. Cook topless, especially if you’re sauteeing something. Doesn’t matter if it’s 100 degrees in your kitchen; resist the urge! Your chest will thank you.
9. Mistake your teaspoon for a 1/2 teaspoon. Double the chili powder is not necessarily double the fun.
8. Put leftovers on the stove to reheat and forget about them. They will burn and stick to the bottom of the pan and make a mess, and I will be pissed (this one is Southern Honey’s; at least he didn’t ruin one of the new stainless steel pans).
7. When grating unsweetened chocolate over the hot stove, don’t finish up, look at the chocolatey goodness on your hand, think “CHOCOLATE!!!!”, and lick it. It is unsweetened. You will be sad.
6. Decide on a dish without checking the contents of your freezer. This is how “Balsamic Braised Italian Sausage” turns into “Balsamic Braised Pork Nuggets,” which doesn’t have anywhere near the same catchy sound.
5. Buy an ingredient for one recipe and then, while cooking said recipe, forget that ingredient. If you do, you’ll have a bag of whole wheat flour or a box of milled flax seed hanging around in your pantry for eons because you’ll continue to forget about it.
4. Combine recently toasted oats and chocolate chips unless you meant to make no-bake cookie bars instead of chocolate chip granola bars.
3. Neglect to measure the amount of booze you add to a recipe that isn’t a cocktail. Getting drunk off your barbecued pork while drinking water? Awkward… Getting drunk from whiffing the fumes when you open the lid to the crock pot? Hilarious. But awkward.
2. Find a recipe online, read the recipe on the side of the box, and decide to split the difference. You’ll just end up with couscous stuck to the ceiling or something.
And the number one thing you don’t do in the kitchen?
1. Mix up the chili powder and the ground red pepper. Especially not when your pot of chili calls for 1/4 teaspoon of red pepper and 1/3 CUP of chili powder. You might as well throw in a couple of habaneros and call it good at that point.
At least I got my three-way out of all this…