Painful Thoughts

I’m sitting here alternating between staring at Iron Chef America and staring at the baby clothes I bought for Southern Nephew.  I have to take them back to the store at some point, but I almost can’t bring myself to touch them because it means really acknowledging that he’s gone.  It’s easier to pretend that everything’s all right that way.

With all the other births this fall to our families and friends, you would think that it would be easy to move on and get excited for all the other babies coming into the world.  But it’s not, even knowing that one of those little ones is Southern Honey’s best friend’s and essentially a niece to us both.  Southern Nephew was blood and family on a level that the others don’t quite reach, at least for me.  I suspect that Southern Honey would take the loss of his best friend’s little one just as hard as the loss of Southern Nephew, though, because he sees his best friend as more of a brother than a friend.

I’m not sure exactly what brought all this on, but it’s better to get it out than to hold it in, I know.  I think it was sitting here alone, answering a message from someone that sort of touched on the topic, and being sort of sick — it all combined to put me in a somewhat melancholy and pensive mood.

I may have to crack open my bottle of wine from the wedding and share some happy memories with the sad ones.

I still have the picture of Southern Sister and her husband from the wedding that I need to eventually do something with.  I think I’ve written about it before, but it keeps coming back to me and almost haunting me.  It’s such a wonderful photo of them that I want them to have it, but I don’t want to hurt them by stirring up painful memories when I give it to them. I think that I’ll hold onto it until around Christmas time, as I may not see them between now and then, and give it to them then outside the context of a gift exchange.  Parents out there, if you were in their position, would that be too soon or too insensitive for you?  I don’t want to ruin Christmas for them — it’s going to be hard enough, I’m sure.

Yes, I do think that it’s time for that wine.  It’s a pinot gris, if I recall correctly, that I think will be quite tasty with my baked chicken, salad, and baked potato.  Maybe after dinner I won’t be quite so maudlin.